Andrew Turner's monologue takes us to the world of private clubs; members only...
By Andrew Turner
The narrator is Doug, 38, a neurotic man who clearly hasn't worn the trousers in his marriage for many years. He is in a lap-dancing club for the first time in his life. Throughout the monologue erotic music can be heard.
DOUG: Jesus. H. Christ. Calm down, Douglas. Just... think un-sexy thoughts, think un-sexy thoughts. Margaret Thatcher in a thong... erm, Ann Widdecombe in a see-through negligee... (PANIC) It's not working... You! You down there, I'm talking to you. Do as you're told for once in your life... And while we're at it, where the hell where you last Thursday night, hmmm? Answer me. You know what Angela gets like if she's kept waiting. Thank you very much mate! (PLEADINGLY) Look! This song only lasts three minutes and then I've got to walk back across the bar, so do me a favour and knock it off will you?
BEAT
DOUG: I knew I shouldn't have come... to the lap dancing club I mean - get your mind out of the gutter. I didn't tell Angela of course. Are you kidding, she'd kill me. (PUTS ON A WHINING FEMALE VOICE) Oh, Douglas, it's degrading to women, yet another example of the male objectification of the female form, blah, blah, blah. (DEFENSIVELY) I didn't even want to come. Wasn't my idea, I wanted to go quad biking but got outvoted eight to one. And it isn't every day that your best friend gets married, so what choice did I have but to spend the evening in, tch, what's it called, erm (STRAINING), I'll just wait for her to move her left buttock... ah yes, The Ecstasy Gentlemen's Club. (BEAT) Not that there are many gentlemen in here at the moment, although to be fair it is rather difficult to remain chivalrous when a girl's got her nipples in your eye line.
A few lads cheer and whistle.
DOUG: Well don't give me the thumbs up you pillock, I feel sleazy enough as it is. (AMUSED) Look at the lot of 'em. Stood there giggling like schoolboys looking at their first dirty magazine. All that excitement and exhilaration with a healthy dose of guilt and shame thrown in. Oh, here she comes again... and there goes the bra. (QUICKLY IMPRESSED) They cannot be real... Hmmm, can't see any signs of surgery. Angela told me what to look for. Scarring around the nipple, under the breast. She caught me eyeing some on Paphos beach during the honeymoon. (FEMALE VOICE) If you must ogle, Douglas, at least make sure they're the real thing. You may as well be salivating over two over-inflated volleyballs. (RESENTFULLY) I've never been able to look at a pair in the same way since.
Doug starts humming for a few seconds.
DOUG: Getting a bit bored now actually. I mean, don't get me wrong, she is beautiful. But, well, it's like those people who buy Star Wars figures and never take them out of the box. What’s the point if you can't play with them!
BEAT
DOUG: Wonder if Angela will still be up when I get home? Could make amends for last Thursday night, so long as someone turns up lines learned and ready to perform. Yes, you down there. No, no, no! I was just checking you were still awake. Here we go again. Think un-sexy thoughts, think un-sexy thoughts... erm, John Prescott in the buff... Oh, that's a bit worrying. Seems to have perked him up even more. (GENUINELY CONCERNED) What does that mean? If I was... that way, (QUICKLY) which I'm not, but if I was, well it'd have to be with someone like, oh, I dunno, Colin Farrell or that guy who presents... (REALISING) I have a naked girl writhing in my crotch and I'm deliberating about which celebrity to have a homosexual fling with... That cannot be right... Perhaps that explains last Thursday night.
BEAT
DOUG: Aye-aye, looks like she's winding down a bit now. (SURPRISED) She's got quite an attractive face actually. I hadn't noticed it 'til now. (BEAT) Ahhh. Wish I hadn't looked her in the eye now. Starting to feel a bit, you know, dirty old man-ish. Hmmm, yes, that's calmed you down hasn't it? Feeling a bit embarrassed are you? A tad ashamed of yourself? And so you should be! So should both of us! Look at her, can't be more than eighteen. Young enough to be... well, it's not really something you'd like your daughter to be doing, is it?
Doug pauses to contemplate this.
DOUG: Coming to the end of the song now. I wonder if she'll just stop and get up, or has she some grand finale plannnwhooaaa!
Doug pants and struggles for breath. Slowly his breathing returns to normal.
DOUG: Well, what do you say in this situation? I'm not well up on lap-dancing etiquette. (HESITANTLY) Thank... you? Yes...? Yes, that got a smile out of her. (BIG EXHALE) Well, I don't know about you, love, but I need a drink. Worked up quite a sweat there.
