VINNY: Sorry I can’t make it – I’m a bit tied up. (SUDDENLY SCREAMING) Help me somebody! If anybody out there can hear me…

HE LETS OUT A PAINFUL SIGH

Women love a sense of humour don’t they? And generous – they love it if you're generous.  If you’re a minge bag? Dear-re-me. Forget it.

PAUSE

I don’t half miss my wife. Well, ex-wife. God I miss that little minx! Well when I say little… she’s more – y’know - curvy.

PAUSE

God she was hot. Those big dimply thighs. Dear-re-me, she was funny. She used to get drunk and sit on my head while I was asleep. I’d scream ‘get off, get off,’ but those rolls of fat don’t half muffle sound. Talk about laughs. What was it she said last time I saw her? (SMILING) That was It. ‘Vincent!’ she said. ‘Vincent - you’re a tight-boring-bastard – now do-one before I snap your legs.’ Always joking she was.

PAUSE

She’s with someone else now. His name is Nodder. What kind of name is that? A mate of mine – Colin - reckons Nodder deals drugs. ‘Colin,’ I says. ‘Colin – there’s no way an ex-wife of mine would move our three kids onto a caravan park with some drug dealer!’ Never in a million years!

PAUSE

God I miss my kids. I wonder if they miss me? Their good old dad! I hope they’re not calling that Nodder Dad. (INDIGNANT) I won’t have my kids calling another man Dad! When I get out of here I’m going straight down to that caravan site and to hell with the restraining order!

HIS EYES FLIT NERVOUSLY ABOUT THE ROOM

If I ever get out of here that is… dear-re-me. (SHIVERING) She could’ve at least put the heating on. Brass monkeys in here.

SUDDENLY A SIREN FROM A PASSING POLICE CAR OUTSIDE CAN BE HEARD

(EXCITED, LISTENING) I knew help would come eventually! (SHOUTING) I’m in the first floor flat!

THE SIREN FADES AS THE CAR PASSES BY

No – back here! (RESIGNED) How has it come to this - hey?

PAUSE

But what else am I supposed to do? Sit at home twiddling my nadgers for the rest of my life? I mean - you’ve got to try something, haven’t you? So that’s why I joined – because I wanted to try something - y’know, after the missus packed her bags and all that. (BEAT) And at nine-pound-ninety-nine a month you can’t argue can you?

PAUSE

So there I was – a fully paid up member of Ecstasy Online Dating. ‘WE WILL WATER YOUR SEED TO FRUITION’ - it said. I imagined all of those women floating around in cyberspace. Wherever that is - like. So - I thought - first things first – get yourself a new suit. So I did – from Asda.

HE LOOKS DOWN AT A CRUMPLED BLACK SUIT STREWN ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO THE BED.

That’s it there. See how trendy it is? Apart from the trousers. They’re are a bit half-mast. I wonder if it was the trousers that put that first date off. (WONDERING) What was her name again…? That’s it - Gail.

PAUSE

Ecstasy sent me her details. Her photograph was nice. Very pretty. (BEAT) There did seem to a bit of facial hair. Well when I say facial hair – it was basically a bit of downy fluff on her cheeks. I mean you could hardly tell. Ok - maybe the darker whiskers on her chin were a bit more noticeable but nothing a few scrapes from a Bic couldn’t sort out. Anyway it’s about what’s inside as they say.

PAUSE

For our first date I thought I’d get Gail some flowers. Show her I was a gentleman. But the flippin’  flower shop was shut, wasn’t it? But something strange happened. It was like it was a sign from God or something. On my way to meet her I saw this lamppost with all flowers and cards and cuddly toys taped around it – how strange? So while no one was looking I pulled out a bunch of tulips. Job done.

PAUSE

Anyway, so I’m there stood outside the Odeon in the rain, waiting. And this Ford Focus pulls up. I take a deep breath and walk towards the car. As I get closer I see a woman rubbing the mist off the window trying to clock me. And do you know what happened? She took off - burning rubber – of all the…and all that effort getting the tulips. Dear-re-me.

PAUSE

I tried – y’know -  consoling myself. Maybe the woman in the car wasn’t Gail – stuff like that. But deep down I knew it was her (BEAT) and I never forget a beard.

PAUSE

Things went downhill from then on. There was the Ecstasy speed dating night when that female wrestler decided to slam dunk me onto the dance floor, breaking two of my ribs. Then there was the date who told me she was forty who turned out to be seventy. She even turned up escorted by a warden from the nursing home. Then their was Martha who turned out to Arthur. I tell you - one thing I never want to see again is a fat man in a pair of women's knickers!

PAUSE
I thought Kiki might be the one. This is her place. ‘I’m sick of being dumped. You are never – ever - going to leave my flat’ - she said. I’m not sure, though – after all it was only our first date.

PAUSE

Mind you - It’s nice to feel wanted. (BEAT) Yes - I quite like the idea of being a kept man. I wish she’d hurry back from shops, though – I’m dying for the toilet.